Popular festive icon and cultural pillar Father Christmas has today given birth to a son.
Revealing one of the most incredible gender confusions in history, Mrs Sandra Holly Christmas, (née Claus) aged thirty-two and wife to Nichlas, spoke from her bed at Lapland Central Hospital, Finland, where she gave birth to a boy, Jaakoppi Christmas, this morning.
This has come as a substantial shock to the majority of the world’s population. In response, Mrs Christmas defended her position stating that she has always been female; since birth and the invention of the winter holiday as we know it.
As a famously male figure, recognisable by a substantial beard, and famously ‘round’ belly, the gender of Father Christmas has never previously been in doubt. However Mrs Christmas ascribes the confusion to a combination of media hype and word-of-mouth confusion, plus a thick white mink scarf, and the size of her stomach in the later stages of pregnancy.
It is true that as with most of the western world, the level of body fat associated with the holiday figure has increased in marketing in recent years, though Mrs Christmas has offered this explanation as to how she could possibly have been pregnant for so long, of childbearing age, and in fact, alive:
“How can I be thirty two and still a historical legend? Time moves much slower for what you call ‘mythical’ people. You and your scientists may not believe, and don’t have the technology to prove it right now, but there are other accessible dimensions with different relativities and movable geographies. Nativities! [sic] I’d say what, five, six hundred years have passed for you, when I’ve just had probably ten? I do a gift delivery once a week, every Friday after I get the stock, so I guess that’d be about right. My husband has had to take over the weekly deliveries while I’m on maternity leave – it’s a home-run business after all! It’s true he’s about the right weight! But no, I would never let him take over full-time, he’s better at the elf control. And honestly. Do you really think anyone other than a woman could organise that amount of gift wrapping and timed delivery in one night?!”
Mrs Christmas is due to return to her full-time duties after a year’s maternity leave. Interestingly she has asked that if children wish to leave snacks and other items out for her deliveries, that they choose healthier options, and not milk or mince pies. “Cravings are incredible things. For a long while there, I just couldn’t get enough of them [pies] but not now. No way. Maybe after I’m back in shape.”
Both mother and father are said to be proud of the new addition to their family, and look forward to bringing little JC (as he’s been nicknamed), home in time for December the 25th.
No corrective efforts to clarify her gender had been made prior today, as Mrs Christmas did not believe the matter to be important. Further investigations as to the science behind today’s statements have been denied due to a view that they could “destroy the magic of Christmas.”
Written by Lucy Jones from the keyword Birth.